Trolls movie review: you can’t stop the cute

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Trolls yellow light

MaryAnn’s quick take…

Cute and sweet and will put you to sleep, like a diabetic coma, and then it will smack you awake with its relentlessly cheery vivid-pastel optimism.
I’m “biast” (pro): nothing
I’m “biast” (con): ugh not another toy movie
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

Might as well just give up and give in. Movies based on toys are here to stay. Lie back and think of, erm, Smurfs? (ewww) Hasbro is now a movie producer — learn how to cope with this fact. Next autumn, you will be dragged by the kids to see the big-screen animated reboot of My Little Pony. That’s right: you have a year to muster whatever resources you need to survive.

It’s just sort of there, up on the screen, a 90-minute explosion of rainbow colors and cupcake poop (yes, really) and a ton of glitter.

And now, brace yourself for Trolls. You remember those little good-luck dolls with the Don King hair and the creepy, vaguely fetal faces? (They were a faddy thing in the 1970s and again in the 90s. Like pet rocks. Oh god don’t let them make a pet rock movie…) Did you know they have a backstory? Well, actually, they didn’t until now. All the better to shove new troll dolls and assorted merch down your throat this Christmas, like a retail Inception: toy inspires movie inspires new toys. (DreamWorks Animation now hold the exclusive worldwide license to produce troll crap. And you better believe they are going to wield it like a weapon.)

Trolls could be worse: it’s not smart and sharp like The Lego Movie but it’s not Michael Bay’s–Transformers offensive, either. It’s not even quite Smurfs obnoxious, though that would require intense effort. It’s just sort of there, up on the screen, a 90-minute explosion of rainbow colors and cupcake poop (yes, really) and a ton of glitter and some felt scrapbooking with plastic safety scissors. It’s cute and sweet and will put you to sleep, like a diabetic coma, and then it will smack you awake with its relentlessly cheery vivid-pastel optimism, and more glitter. But toddlers will probably like it, maybe? There’s a boppy Justin Timberlake song they can bounce around to. You can’t make it stop, so go with it.

Your nightmares will be in neon pastel for weeks afterward...
Your nightmares will be in neon pastel for weeks afterward…

The trolls are all ridiculously happy even though they are, at any moment, likely to be eaten by the monstrous Bergens. (I don’t know why they’re called Bergens, except that trolls are a thing from Scandinavian mythology and Bergen is a city in Norway, except the Don King troll dolls originated in Denmark, but the Bergens do look more like traditional trolls, big blobby mean-faced — and mean-tempered — creatures. I’m so confused.) The only unhappy troll is Branch (the voice of, in a remarkable coincidence, Justin Timberlake: Runner Runner, Inside Llewyn Davis), a sort of extreme survivalist who is camou-colored, and has planned and stockpiled for the day when the Bergens come to eat them all (he has a bunker). When this day arrives, thanks to a loud troll dance party that gave away their secret-hiding-place village, troll leader Princess Poppy (the voice of Anna Kendrick: Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, Pitch Perfect 2) enlists Branch in a mission to save everyone from being eaten.

Bergens eat trolls because it makes them happy. So it’s hard to see them as villains.

Apparently the Bergens eat trolls because it’s the only thing that makes them happy. For this reason, it is difficult to see them as villains, because eating these trolls sounds like a good way to get rid of them, and if they literally poop cupcakes, they must taste incredibly delicious. And damned if Poppy’s plan doesn’t involve surreptitiously helping the awful Bergen King Gristle (the voice of Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, How to Train Your Dragon 2) find another way to be happy! The movie’s chipper embrace of its bad guys as just poor misunderstood souls even as we cynical adults in the audience are thinking they’re really not so bad after all makes it tough to hate this movie. Which makes me want to hate it even more. Damn this movie for anticipating my bitter and world-weary response to it!

Also, it’s tough to hate Anna Kendrick, even as an annoying adorable pink princess. She’s just too awesome. And that Timberlake song is pretty catchy. Just give in already. *sigh*


see also:
Trolls: World Tour movie review: a cinematic Rubicon by dint of pandemic coincidence

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Matt Clayton
Matt Clayton
Sat, Oct 29, 2016 12:54am

Next autumn, you will be dragged by the kids to see the big-screen animated reboot of My Little Pony.

Don’t let Bronies get wind of what you just said. That new show has a male fanbase in addition to young children, believe it or not. That said, a MLP movie doesn’t creep me out the way Trolls is.

Jurgan
Jurgan
reply to  Matt Clayton
Sat, Oct 29, 2016 5:47am

Well, I’m one of the male fans of MLP. It’s a pretty good show, in my opinion, but I don’t attack people who dislike it (and I hate the term “brony,” like the fans are so insecure about liking a girls’ show that they have to make up a word to defend their masculinity). I trust Maryann to give it a fair shake if and when she chooses to review it.

Jonathan Roth
Jonathan Roth
Sat, Oct 29, 2016 5:05pm

The plot synopsis sounds like the creative team took all the “sappy cartoon” parodies from shows like “Rocko’s Modern Life” and ran it straight.

I’m actually shocked it turned out as well as it apparently did.

bronxbee
bronxbee
Sun, Aug 16, 2020 3:59pm

just saw an ad for Oreo Troll Cookies…