I’m “biast” (con): …but they’ve gotten increasingly preposterous
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)
lightly edited transcript of session between Dr [redacted] and Film Critic J, who continues to insist that she was “broken” by ‘Fast & Furious 8’; little progress has been made, as demonstrated here
There’s no point there’s no point there’s no point what’s the point? No one cares what we think anymore [maniacal laughter] if they ever did. Critics film nerds cineastes reviewers whatever we are. We’re all “biast,” right? We hate the things that “real” movie fans love right? Critic proof they said! Proof that critics are out of touch they said! Opening weekend tracking says a hunnerd mill or something crazy. I don’t know I just don’t know. Why bother? [sobs]
I do think I really do think that they’re gaslighting us. Gaslighting us critics and people who are really into movies who like thinking about movies who don’t mind spectacle actually like spectacle as long as it’s not completely idiotic. You know what I mean? They’re seeing how far they can push us before we just throw up our hands and admit that everyone is right we’re out of touch with what audiences like. We’re wrong and everyone else is right this must be good or else why would so many people be shouting Wow cool that’s so awesome. We’re the problem right it must be us who are the problem there’s something wrong with us. I mean just look Boss Baby and Smurfs and Michael freakin’ Bay and everything Adam Sandler does–
[deleted extended rant about a supposed plot by Hollywood studios to literally drive critics crazy; this is a recurring theme with the patient and has already been well documented in her file]
It’s like a tease a big tease in F8 fate get it how it opens with some probably authentic street racing in Havana. Havana of all places, Cuban car culture, cool old cars so great that out of necessity impoverished and cut-off car lovers have had to keep going with spit and paper clips or whatever. It feels like the first Fast and Furious movie back to basics street racing with real cars until Vin frakkin’ Diesel has to be driving a car that is on fire and he still wins the race of course he does and then he is beneficent in his triumph he’s like the Jesus of street racing please kill me now. So that’s kinda the legacy of the original move just chewed up and thrown away and you know it’s going to be so ridiculous from then on. I mean this is a movie about street racers and petty criminals who are now like the greatest secret agents in the world and only they can stop World War III and if that’s not the best example yet of the death of expertise and the disdain for experience and authority I don’t know what is. [sobs]
What does the title even mean, fate like there’s some particular special fate awaiting these furious people other than another sequel, I guess it’ll be Fast & Furious Nein they go back in time and kill Hitler. I mean where else can this franchise go from here?
It’s barely coherent it’s just stuff edited together like from a dozen different movies all from different genres and no one cares. [sobs] Is it meant to be funny I dunno but it’s so serious like how can that even be. “I’ll grab the team and meet you in Berlin” so we can find that stolen EMP device? Who says that except like Jason Bourne oh except he has no team I know that but you know what I mean. God, an EMP doesn’t even work like that, this one is supposed to be able to take out a whole city and then it can’t even futz up a single helicopter? [sob]
All the genres! So many! Why? Cyber thriller and prison break and of course street racing though only a little bit and spy shit and odd couple buddy comedy between Jason Statham and the Rock and soap opera I mean really there’s like secret offspring and someone is someone’s surprise mother and people who are meant to be dead aren’t really dead. Oh and comic book people fly in wearing Iron Man suits. [sob] Fossil fuel porn. These movies made fossil fuel porn a thing. [sob]
Okay sure it’s cool that the villain is a woman Charlize Theron with dreadlocks and she’s so cyber badass that “even Anonymous won’t mess with her” haha but she has to be able to read minds in order to know how to sneak her way into the plot and how is that even possible. It’s like all the cyber stuff is the new magic. But also Michelle Rodriguez seems to be able to read minds too but is still dumb enough to wear nothing but a little tank top and a thin leather jacket for the finale in the Russian Arctic where they have to stop a nuclear submarine something about nuclear codes that Charlize stole but it’s been days and wouldn’t they change them once they know the codes have been stolen. [sob] They have to stop a submarine with nothing but high-performance sports cars which are probably not the best choices for icy places with no roads but what do I know. [sob] Fast and Furious on ice, oh fuck don’t give them any ideas, Fast and Furious on ice dear god.
Scott Eastwood can’t say “nuclear.” This is the primary thing I learned from this movie. He’s supposed to be supersecret CIA or NSA guy or whatever and he can’t say “nuclear” he says “nukular” twice and it’s not even a joke. His cuteness is ruined for me now whenever I look at him I’m only going to be able to think that he can’t say “nuclear.” [sob]
Prearranged wrecking ball. That’s a thing here. And they’re just actually driving around in Manhattan like New York City gridlock isn’t real and they’d need to allow like half an hour to go three blocks. [sob] And the Rock saying “Dominic Toretto has gone rogue” like this is a thing he does on a regular basis even though these movies are supposed to be all about family and who goes rogue on family it’s just so tragic right except he hasn’t really gone rogue of course what looks like him going rogue is just even more about family family family. And when I’m laughing like a loon at the stuff that is supposed to be so very serious I’m the one who’s crazy right? “What does this have to do with us?” Michelle Rodriguez wants to know about all the nukular stuff and cyber crap and Charlize with the dreadlocks and I’m like I know right!
The camera is all up in women’s asses in their tits but the villain is a woman and there’s lots of brown people here so it’s all progressive and diverse. It’s junk but it’s progressive junk I guess. I guess that’s something. [sob]
• The Fast and the Furious and 2 Fast 2 Furious (review)
• The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (review)
• Fast & Furious (review)
• Fast Five (aka Fast and Furious 5: Rio Heist) (review)
• The Grating Toretto, by Nick Carraway (Fast & Furious 6 review)
• Fast & Furious 7 (aka Furious 7) movie review: head-on vehicular hard-on
• Fast & Furious: Hobbs & Shaw movie review: everything wrong with the world today